Expressing our feelings and opinions
There really are ways to share opinions and feelings that fosters both self-awareness and productive conversations đ«
Letâs face it âŠ
Feelings are hard. Theyâre hard to identify, especially when we are feeling them. Theyâre hard to name because sometimes we donât have the words. Theyâre hard to share with others because we either werenât taught to do that growing up, we didnât have role models showing us how to do that productively, or we just arenât ready or donât feel safe to show that level of vulnerability to another human.
What is interesting to me is that when we do share our feelings effectively - âI feel ___,â or âWhen you ___, I feel ___,â for example - we are demonstrating courage and vulnerability, which can create a stronger sense of connection with others.
My partner and I were talking the other night about the lines that have blurred between people expressing their feelings and their opinions. Our specific conversation was in the context of people with one point of view expressing that view in a way that would imply they expect you to adopt that view and live according to their beliefs as well.
In general, I think people express an opinion (often with anger or rage or arrogant expectation) as if it were a feeling. But they donât take the time to get curious about what they feel and why they feel that way about the opinion they are expressing.
For definitionâs sake
FEELING: noun 1. an emotional state or reaction. âa feeling of joy.â
OPINION: noun 1. a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. [emphasis mine]
After some additional research, there are some interesting distinctions to note as we continue our journey to un-blur the lines between feelings and opinions.
Feelings are personal and unique to you. No one else can experience your feeling exactly the same way. They arise from how you interpret a situation or experience it.
Opinions express a belief or assessment about something. They aim to be based on reasons, evidence, or logic (though based on our definition above, this may not always be the case). Opinions are varied, and others may have different opinions than yours, and that's okay.
How we kill conversation
When we express our opinions as if they are feelings, and we donât use language that helps the other person sort what youâre saying into the feeling or opinion categories, it can cause misunderstandings or defensiveness.
This form of self-expression can also make having a productive conversation difficult. Ultimately, opinions are debatable, but feelings are not. When we frame opinion as feeling, the conversation gets shut down because feelings are seen as subjective and arguable.
Sometimes we have more impact on someone else when we can offer a well-reasoned opinion with specific facts to support that opinion. If we simply express a feeling about a certain topic, it may not have as much impact.
Authenticity and feelings
As I thought about how feelings relate to authenticity, and how might this distinction and clarity of definition help us on our journey, I came up with a few thoughts for you to consider:
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